jordanvongrimmxx

It is days like this where I wonder why I do the things I do. Why I surround myself with the energies that I do. Why I even bother. Reality checks, if that’s what you want to call them. I’d rather not call them anything and forget about their existence, but you can’t really do that.

I’m passive-aggressive. I can’t tell people no without feeling guilt, even if I should tell them no. I hate the feeling of disappointment, so I never tell people no. Almost like the “golden rule” they teach you in kindergarten. “Treat others the way you want to be treated.” If I don’t want to be disappointed, I won’t disappoint others. That’s not the way disappointment works, though. Different people have different regards for people. Yes, at times we all do mean things to others. I never set out to hurt anyone, and I understand that sometimes it happens. But its the fact that I can’t tell people no that gets me into trouble. Not in like a peer-pressure, you-better-do-this-or-else kind of way. More like I just want everyone to feel happy and so I’ll do it if it means someone benefits from it. The way my luck/karma has been, I’ve begin to wonder if its really doing good or if people aren’t benefiting from it.

I always sit there and say “from now on, I’m going to…”, but I never do. If I do, it never lasts. I’m hard on myself because I have high expectations, but I feel like I can never reach them. I feel like Sisyphus all the damn time. I push my rock up the hill and as soon as I get up there, I lose grip and there it goes. I feel like my world is a constant struggle to maintain things. keep everyone happy. always explaining myself because a miscommunication turns someone else’s world upside down. Getting cut down and trying to play it off, because who am I to deny an opinion. keeping my things to myself because I don’t want to burden anyone with my troubles.

So as far as tomorrow goes, hopefully its a better day. I’m not sure what I’m going to do, because I have so much to do but no way of getting it done. I have no money, can’t fix my car. No car, can’t get to work. can’t get to work, can’t make money. can’t make money, can’t ask someone for it.